Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I Hate That

I had been grumpy all weekend, but I wasn't really sure why. Maybe it was my lady parts acting up again, but I hate that excuse. Maybe it was the change in plans this weekend or the weird lack of motivation I've been having at work bleeding into my subconscious.

I don't know.

But I was grumpy all weekend. Snapish. Defensive. And for as excited as I was for my friends competing out in Idaho, watching everything on IronmanLive(ish) wasn't helping things.

At one point, I wandered downstairs and said to Mighty M, point blank, "I want to do an Ironman."

That'll distract you from SciFi, alright.

Instead of finding the words, he made hand gestures forming stairs in the air...up and up and up.

"You think I need to still build, huh?"

"Yup. Don't you? I mean, look what the last half did to you? That wasn't fun."

It wasn't what I wanted to hear. Damn him. I hate honesty sometimes. What I wanted him to say is that maybe next year, or maybe it's time to think about which one and when. Instead I got the worst possible answer...which is I still need work.

Hateful.

But accurate.

I do still need work. I need to continue to condition my body to do longer distances with ease and strength. I freaking know that.

But I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because I know what will lead me there. (Or, at least, I think I do.) I need a really solid year this year with half iron distances and really consistent training. And then I think I need a little time off, followed by a strong and consistent off-season of building more.

And then I think I need to train for an Ironman.

Because I want. I want it bad. Like 13-year old pitching a fit at the mall bad. I want it even when I admit what it will mean for my life and my sanity. I want it even when I think about all that risk -- all the things I don't even know about yet.

I want.

And it's killing me. I don't want to get to next year, when everyone's 2009 races are being raced and registration is opening up, only to realize that I'm still not ready because I "dialed" everything back. Because I kept it simple this year.

I don't want to be still getting ready to get ready next year.

I know. Whine. Whine. Whine. I have nothing to complain about. Life is good. It keeps getting better. But I have this itch that I can't seem to scratch. Every time I take a step towards it, life intervenes and says, sorry...you don't have the cash for the training or travel, or your knees are thinking maybe never, or you have to decide between a new home and children and the Ironman. "You can love the Ironman, but you can't have it."

And I hate that. I understand it, but I hate it.

15 comments:

Alili said...

Oh Able, I know what you're going through. In fact, I just wrote about it after reading Liz'a post. We'll get there-you and I both.

Steve Stenzel said...

Stupid lady parts...

Good luck making your decision! I'm SOO far from even considering one right now, so this is all up to you!!!

Megan said...

Yeah, I had that too this weekend while obsessing over IronmanLive. I was so jealous of all those people getting their rides on out there in the hills, and I found myself pining for that painful leg ache on the marathon....

Dang Ironman. Why must you be like the popular high school quarterback everyone wants too hook up with?

Andrea said...

You already know the answer. Stick with it. Ironman will always be there - but you have to be READY for it.

Mentally and physically.

I want to do one too - but I'm just not ready. One thing at a time.

When I sign up to do my Ironman I am going to be fit, trained and disciplined. I will have suffered disappointment, mental anguish and pure unadulterated pain already. That way, when I do IM, I will be ready - to fight head on!

So will you, ABLE, so will you. And the victory will be so much sweeter knowing that you worked THAT HARD - you trained for years - instead of months. You planned it, you lived it, you breathed it.

It will be yours!

ShirleyPerly said...

I hear ya. I want it bad too but have other priorities that won't allow me to do it anytime real soon, like in the next couple years. Sometimes I wish I could throw out the other goals I already have in place and just do it. Then I think why the heck am I trying to rush into doing another IM. I'm still not as good a swimmer as I should be. Crap ...

MAJ said...

Dammit, do I KNOW what you're talking about . . . my list is about 1k things long and I STILL keep trying to find reasons why I SHOULD.

I decided I'd settle for 2 halfs in one year. That's 140.6, right? (That's what I tell myself.)

Flatman said...

There are so many of us that WANT one... I can say that one day I will be one.

But, I am prepared to wait a few years, whatever the reasons. It still doesn't keep it from sucking though.

Sarah said...

Oh man, I felt the same way on Sunday. I can't tell you how many times on Monday my fingers were itching to just do it. Sign up. And I love Megan's analogy. Ha. But I agree, you want to be ready. I know that I need lots more time. We'll see how tough I can be with each Ironman this season and the signup frenzy that goes with it ;)

LBTEPA said...

You're, what? 34?
That's 45 years you have left to do Ironman. Plenty of time.

triguyjt said...

if you build for it...it will come..... or something similar that mimics a movie line...

the idea is in your head. that wont go away...build more...embolden yourself...declare and go for it...

badda boom

TrainingtoTri said...

I feel the same way, see you there in a few years. I hope to be ready in 2 years! So, let's work hard this winter, have a great year of HIMs next year and then get signed up for this thing!

Non-Runner Nancy said...

I hate it when they are right. Stupid men.

Tea said...

Well...I hope you can make it to 2010. That's when I'm going to do IMAZ. It sure would be a blast. That's two years....something to think about! ;)

MAJ said...

Pssst....not to sound like a parrot but I just told Tea I'm looking at 2010 too.

Go Mom Go said...

Hmmm... AZ in 2010.

That is the exact race I want to do next...what a blast that would be. Maybe Megan will go back to Arizona too!-- wouldn't that be awesome!

Hang in there. It is even worse to be signed up and then decide to pull out for completely other reasons...to not even get to the start line. It really sucks.