Waffling Wavering Irresolute Uncertain Dithering...
of two minds.
of two minds.
That is what I am. Of two minds.
My days recently have been split when it comes to thoughts of September. And, frankly, that's all I think about. I think about it in the shower and before I fall asleep and when I just wake up and while I'm going to the potty and when...well, you get the point.
All. The. Freaking. Time.
Normal, I suppose.
But my thoughts -- and emotions -- are all over the place. Sometimes, when the sun is out and I'm having a strong ride and my legs feel like they can go forever -- I feel like a million bucks. Like Ironman is absolutely attainable. That it's well within my grasp and can't we get there now, like right now, like immediately??? I'll go pack and you get the car started. Let's GO!
Those times are good. Frenetic good. I come home and regale Mighty M with all my fresh plans for what to bring and how I'm going to manage my nutrition and he smiles, nods at all the right places and patiently waits until I wander out of the room, injected with this new sense of power and urgency.
Then others, I wake in a state of fear and panic. I think about average speeds and run pacing. I think about cut-offs and DNFing. When I drive in my car, I calculate in my head how hard that hill we just went over would be at mile 20 in good weather and mile 100 in the rain. I'm constantly calculating my limitations and comparing them to a race I've never started in a region I've never visited.
Those times I'm convinced I'll miss the bike cutoff. Or that I'll make the bike cutoff, but not leave myself enough time for running/walking the marathon. I have images of having my chip pulled from my leg, a lonely transport back to the starting line and crying into the corner of M's neck.
Not. Good. Times.
I am of two minds.
In the background of all of this, I'm coming to the conclusion that my state of schizoid indecision is a process more than anything. And it all has to do with what I talked about with a co-worker the other day (hi, Margie!).
I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH NOT FINISHING
BEFORE I START.
There...I said it outloud. I have to be alright with the possibility that I won't finish this race before I cross the Wisconsin state line. I have to be 110% clear about my own reasons for starting this, so I don't get lost in my head out there. And, those reasons have to allow for pulling myself or being pulled from the course.
One thing I'm sure of is that 140 miles is more than enough time to get lost in your head. And 140 miles is more than enough time to struggle with hills and IT bands and nutrition and hydration.
So much can happen out there. So much I cannot control now.
And I think all this waffling and wavering is part of the process. A roundabout, completely inefficient and likely impractical way of getting to that answer...but I never claimed to good at this, peeps. I'm a newbie with a date for the dance in Wisconsin. I dream big.
So, I will continue my training as planned and take full advantage of the high points and my moments of mojo, and try to come up with an answer to the question:
Am I willing to risk falling short so that I can go at all?
Because I've become convinced that being willing to not finish is my key to being able to finish at all.