Friday, March 30, 2007


That's the name of my new product.


It's going to be all the rage. Wanna know why? Meet me in the locker room at the Y, let's say about 3 minutes after I emerge from a swim session.

Then you'll know why.

Goggles. Ruin. My. Face.

No matter how much sleep I get the night before and my strict regimen of certain soaps and face cream and TLC that I lavish on my face at night, a single AM swim will take that effort, rip it out of its hiding space, and stomp on it with hooker boots until it screams for mercy.

I'm convinced there's an ongoing betting pool at the office on whether or not I went out and partied all night based on how miserable I come in looking each Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I want to know the spread.

Just by example -- for those who haven't had the pleasure of catching a triathlete or swimmer after an hour in the pool -- this is kind of what you look like when you're done.

Let me point out some key things...

(my apologies to the monkey)

(1) the make-up resistant red blotchy skin that (at least for me) has no evolutionary or practical value. None.

(2) puffy eyes with dark, dark circles. Like "Big Ben...Parliament" circles that have the same staying power as Clark did.

(3) the landing strip left embedded across my forehead where my cap went (which, btw, would be an excellent place to place a brand because it's NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO GET RIDE OF FOR AT LEAST THREE HOURS -- nike should seriously look into about passive advertising...).

(4) and, of course, the raccoon eyes that frame the luggage I'm carrying around with me in case I up and decide to jet off to Paris...with my dripping wet bathing suit and gym bag in tow.

(And let's just not mention that hair that resembles Nick Nolte's finest hour. Just don't go there.)

So, there you go. Attention consumers -- there's a hole in the market and I'm going to fill it. With something that gets rid of swim face. I have a think tank working on design and packaging, but I think it'll look something like this...


stronger said...

Good post. I swim after work about once a week and the following morning I look like h*ll when I wake up.

Surprisingly, last time I swam I wore comfortable goggles for the first time in ages and I emerged with no evidence that I had been swimming for an hour. Well, except for the chlorine smell that takes days to fade.

When the paper bag starts getting stuffy, try a different pair of goggles. I had to try 10 styles/pairs before my old school kind returned to the shelf.

kozzy said...

Hooker boots and Nick Nolte hair....just priceless. Too funny!
The sad thing is we've all been there :0)

TriShannon said...

I hear you. I am left with the goggle marks for hours. Looks like I have huge bags and dark circles. If you find a fix PLEASE post!!

Mallie said...

Funny. I don't suffer quite that bad from the swim cap/goggle combo. But it sure sounds like your product will appeal to the masses.

Now if we could only come up with a product that instantly evened out tan lines from various workout apparel. We'd then rule the world!

LBTEPA said...

They probably think, sheesh, training for an Ironman is so gruelling, she's so brave!

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

oh yeah. I get the big circles too. I swear swimming is aging me prematurely.

Pharmie said...

Yup. Circles here, too. I just wear them proudly. Sort of like battle wounds!

Bolder said...


great post.

but, we need to do a goggle intervention here... clearly, you gots the wrong pair chica!

momo said...

:-)! i just switched to neutrogena ultra sheer sunblock - 55 spf, the dry stuff, and i swear it works. before using it, i'd get out of the pool and have a TAN across my forehead from my cap. now - no tan!

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