That's the name of my new product.
It's going to be all the rage. Wanna know why? Meet me in the locker room at the Y, let's say about 3 minutes after I emerge from a swim session.
Then you'll know why.
Goggles. Ruin. My. Face.
No matter how much sleep I get the night before and my strict regimen of certain soaps and face cream and TLC that I lavish on my face at night, a single AM swim will take that effort, rip it out of its hiding space, and stomp on it with hooker boots until it screams for mercy.
I'm convinced there's an ongoing betting pool at the office on whether or not I went out and partied all night based on how miserable I come in looking each Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I want to know the spread.
Just by example -- for those who haven't had the pleasure of catching a triathlete or swimmer after an hour in the pool -- this is kind of what you look like when you're done.
Let me point out some key things...
(my apologies to the monkey)
(1) the make-up resistant red blotchy skin that (at least for me) has no evolutionary or practical value. None.
(2) puffy eyes with dark, dark circles. Like "Big Ben...Parliament" circles that have the same staying power as Clark did.
(3) the landing strip left embedded across my forehead where my cap went (which, btw, would be an excellent place to place a brand because it's NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO GET RIDE OF FOR AT LEAST THREE HOURS -- nike should seriously look into that...talk about passive advertising...).
(4) and, of course, the raccoon eyes that frame the luggage I'm carrying around with me in case I up and decide to jet off to Paris...with my dripping wet bathing suit and gym bag in tow.
(And let's just not mention that hair that resembles Nick Nolte's finest hour. Just don't go there.)
So, there you go. Attention consumers -- there's a hole in the market and I'm going to fill it. With something that gets rid of swim face. I have a think tank working on design and packaging, but I think it'll look something like this...