I was afraid she was going to say that

I have a bad habit.

Maybe you have it, too.

If you're a triathlete and busy and sometimes a little crazy, to boot, you probably have done this in the past. Maybe, just maybe, you've let it turn (as I have) into a bad habit.

Trying to pick up missed workouts.

Sound familiar?

This morning I shot the Elf an email about this week, asking if I should try to put in a missed swim session or find time for an extra "long" run. You see, my swim suffered last week with only one (gasp!) session and I had to cut my long run yesterday short since I'm feeling el crapo.

So my learned response is to add something to the coming week. You know, the one that already has 11 1/2 hours of training in it? Intellectually I know that's a stupid idea. First, there's no room. Second, jumping from the 7 or so hours last week (lower than planned) to more than 12 would be a second dose of stupid. Third dose? Take your pick -- potential mid-week burn out, injury, illness...the list goes on.

But that's not why her message hit home.

"Don't go back and pick up workouts -- just keep moving ahead."

Between those lines reads something more important. Implied there (and these are my thoughts, not the Elf's) is that don't assume when you miss a workout you can find another time to fill it in. Even if the reason is quite valid, your decision to train or not to train...at that very moment...is a terminal decision. No adjusting later. Finit.

That's a hard one to manage for me. Not because it's unreasonable. More so because in the past, I've allowed myself some wiggle room in my weeks. It's a habit I picked up when creating my own training schedule last year, but I've carried it forward, so to speak. In a subtle, sub-conscious way, I've allowed myself to say justify moving things around in my schedule, thinking I can make them up later. As if time will magically appear later in the week. Or somehow my body will begin recovering at twice the rate, so I can do twice the work.

Again. It does make any sense, but nonetheless I've managed to craft a habit out of it.

And having a coach will break me of this habit.

First off, she'll say wise things like, "Don't go back and pick up workouts -- just keep moving ahead." Indeed.

Second, I'll feel the actual impact of a missed workout the moment it becomes missed. Without allowing myself to move things around (on paper or in my mind), the full weight of that decision will come at that very moment. I wonder...will it change my mind? I wonder...will I start finding another way or being more creative about solutions to get my training on?

You can guess what I suspect will happen.

So, I'm adding a goal to my current list. To break the habit of moving my training at the expense of my training.

Anyway, this certainly won't work if I'm perpetuating bad habits, right?

Right.

Athlemotions...you know, cause it's catchy

I've been struggling a little recently. With my attitude. And I haven't totally figured it out, either.

I'm working on it.

So...recently I started to train my mind a little, in addition to my body. Here's why. I'm having a hard time naturally thinking about myself as an athlete. I don't feel compelled to run around all the time in jockette clothes and yelling out splits for my time from street corner to street corner.

No, it's more like I have to adjust my thinking to include the EMOTIONAL needs I have as an athlete.

What?

:: pause ::

Athletes have emotions? Special emotions? Athlemotions?

Yerp. Apparently so. Who knew?

Here's the thing. We put demands on ourselves, as well as our bodies. Demands for progress. Demands for meeting expectations. Demands for consistency.

Essentially, if we were dating our athletic selves, we would be like, "yo, girlfreeen...you need to BACK IT OFF a little. I mean really! You're a littl' INtense, ya know?"

Or maybe not. But you know what I mean.

As athletes, we become emotionally demanding little cusses, always wanting to see weekly goals met, monthly goals met, target times, increased thresholds, personal bests. I know tons of people that don't even display that kind of attitude when it comes to their JOBS, as in the things that they are PAID to do every day.

And we track and compute and memorize and compare. I can tell you without consultation my average 100, the actual BPM when my heart rate goes out of the aerobic zone, and predict my heart rate in specific gear ratios on my bike (well, at least when it's on the trainer). And I'd have to admit that I visit my Training Peaks more religiously than I do my checking account online statements.

And it's not just that we obsess. We have no mercy. Don't meet an hourly training goal for the week? Otherwise valid reasons start sounding like raging excuses. Backing off of a bum knee for a day feels shameful. Shameful. We don't just feel guilt, we feel regret.

And, frankly people, sometimes we just get out of hand. Our responses to our own "failures" (to hit an interval, gain enough on your average pace, meet the week's hourly plan) become out of proportion to what it really means.

For me, I'm still learning how to manage this -- to curb my own propensity for self flagellation when I don't progress leaps and bounds or don't hit every mark.

CASE IN POINT. Two weekends ago. (and yes, this post has been sitting in "edit" mode for that long...so shoot me.) Coming off of a hard week, my left knee started hurting. Not the usual aches and pains, and not just when biking or running. Like pain. While sitting. Sitting still. So I backed off. I DNS'ed a brutal trail run that I love because I thought it was less than wise to run on my knee.

And then I worried. And moped. And worried. And felt guilty. And then began to wonder (I kid you not) whether this would deplete the progress I had already made this month since it was the tail end of a peak week.

Because I'm a little crazy-like.

Because I'm invested in this and emotional about it.

And because I'm an athlete, which means I give a $hit about my body, my progress, my commitment.

Because I believe that what I do says a lot about who I am.

Because I'm a freaking athlete.

: : SO : :

ANOTHER CASE IN POINT. Last Thursday morning. In the pool.*

The day was a retest. Oh, my bad, let's be accurate. It was a RETEST. The Elf was back with the all caps again.

So, my technical goal: warm up 1000, 10 x 100 ALL OUT MAX EFFORT, ri:10", c/d up to 1000.

My goal inside my head that I don't mention to anyone before I hit the pool but I am really really really personally invested in? Shave 5 seconds off my average 100. Yup. I dream big. Five seconds off my average 100...which means feeling the burn and keeping the form for longer and harder than I did last time.

What do you think happened?

Three. Lousy. Seconds.

Off my average, you ask?

No.

That's right. NO.

Three lousy seconds off of my total elapsed time.

Ouch. Take that, ego. Take that, inside-my-head-goal. Take that, plan.

SO.

Here's the million dollar question -- what do I do with that emotion? How do I manage it in a way that it leads to my progress rather than sidetracking my efforts?

It's hard! It's a challenge to not immediately think about hours spent in the pool and to wonder if I'm just not doing it right or not cut out to swim any faster. It's hard to not interpret the emotion of disappointment negatively, converting it into a conclusion. It takes effort to make sure I use the information in a positive way.

But, you know what?

We're athletes, so we're really, really good at that effort thing. We just have to make sure we make our emotions just as relevant as our splits. Because -- at least for me -- mismanaged emotional responses to training can immediately, do not pass go, no getting out of it, completely ruin hard earned progress.

You know what I mean. Ever miss a run because your knee hurt and mope about it over a pint of ice cream?

Oh, you so know what I'm talking about.

My point? We are going to have emotional responses to our training. Period. Get used to it. It's not wimpy or weak...it's a fact of life. And like all of those less then wonderful facts of life (um, hullo, saddle sores?!), learning to predict, acknowledge and process will get you ahead of the game.

So, I've added training my emotions to my list of swimbikerunstrengthstretching tasks each week. I suspect it will be time well invested...We'll see!


* Dude...catch that? The "morning" thing coming so close to the "pool" word? Yup! Me. In the pool. Before work. Small victory over my bed? Helz yeah.