Way Reasonable

The coolest thing about all your comments on my new plan is that everyone saw how completely reasonable it was!

Thank you! I totally agree!

That's big for me. Cause, I'm a chronic planner and I have biiiiiig ideas in the early stages and tend to overwhelm myself in the process.

Pushup goals? Totally manageable.

Frequency goal? An excellent idea.

FSR goal?

Weight goal? Toooootally doable.

Nice run last night (woot!) that was relatively pain free. Reminded me how LUCKY I am to be able to go out and run on a dime. It's such a gift. Really.

This morning, I was up early and in the basement (full of spiders) and wrestled with the swiss ball (my fave, as you know) and the assortment of weights down there. I have every intention of making that ball my bitch again, you know. Today, however, it was not. (I have a bruised right knee to show for it.) But soon. Soon... .

Also, last night I made yet another yummy Ellie Krieger dish, this one from the Food Network site. I'll blog about it later. It had pumpkin seeds and chicken and roasted tomatillos and it was nuuuuuummy.

Change of direction

If you haven't already noticed, I've been blogging less about training recently and more about my so called life. The training is there, but it's more sporadic and falls victim to wedding planning and work exhaustion more than I'd like to admit.

I'm at a good point now to reassess and make a plan for the rest of the season -- what I want to do and how.

I know I'd like to continue to race. That's a given. Sprints would be a good way to keep me honest, especially since the only Oly's around here seem to be on wedding designated weekend. (And there are sooo many wedding designated weekends!)

But I'm also thinking of adding a different goal as a primary one. I want to improve on my running and safely build up to a solid weekly mileage. I also want to tone up and lose some weight before the wedding. Nothing drastic, just so my back and arms are nice and tight and I can feel comfortable in my wedding dress.

(Which is soooo pretty. I tried it on again yesterday for my FMIL, and I really, really like it. I'm having an issue since it doesn't really match the heiloom pearls or my mother's ring that I intend to wear, but I'll figure that all out later. For now, I'm just happy it's the right dress for me. The ivory version that's mineallmine is due in October 10th. Sqeeeeeel!)

So, I'm in the process of putting together a plan to keep my swimming and biking in line for sprint distance races, as well as build my running efforts. I find that running is the best weight loss bang for my buck, and I miss having higher mileage each week. So, a Sprint distance run-focused plan. I'll return to the ball of hell in the basement and the Elf's strength circuits to build my upper body and core.

If anybody is interested, I can (figure out somehow to) post my spreadsheet here so you can see my plan and progress.

I think there should be some goals involved, to keep me on my toes. Right? Here are the one's I've thought through so far...

August:

• Meet at least 80% of my training sessions (frequency) *
  
• Work up to 25 pushups (continuous) and 50 pushups (in one day)
• Hit a 5k in 33:36 minutes (10:30 pace)
• Run 4 x week (min) **
  
• Lose 5 lbs weight (160 lbs) ***
  

September:

• Meet at least 80% of my training sessions (frequency)
• Work up to 50 pushups (continuous) and 100 pushups (in one day)
• Hit a 5k in 32:00 minutes (10:00 pace)
• Run 4 x week (min)
• Lose 5 additional lbs weight (155 lbs)

October:

• Meet at least 80% of my training sessions (frequency)
• Maintain pushups goal
• Hit a 5k with mile splits all under 10:00 pace
• Run 4 x week (min)
• Lose 5 additional lbs weight (150 lbs)

November:

• Maintain pushups goal
• Run at least 3 x week
• Maintain weight loss (150)
• Stay healthy for the November 22nd Big Day.

I'll keep y'all updated on the plan this week. It's almost done, but I need a little time to work on it tonight, just to get the kinks out.

____

* I struggle with consistency, so this is a biggie for me.
** Rest weeks will be shorter, easier runs. But the frequency will stay the same. I think it helps with my knee health to keep the frequency, but dial down the intensity and duration. Time off from running at all seems to hurt my knee, rather than help.
*** I'm currently at 165, and have been here pretty consistently for a long time.

Say it only once

I had no idea.

I guess I should have, but I really didn't.

I had no idea how writing about my weight would resonate with so many people. I certainly didn't predict the response, but I am changed by it.

Thank you. Everyone.

The private notes. The comments. The support. The empathy.

Thank you.

It's really wonderful to know that Mom was right -- if you put positive and honest things out there into the world, you will get the same back.

Thank you.

Monday was a rougher day for me than I would have liked. I was really affected by this, mainly because once I said -- OUT LOUD -- that I was unhappy with my current weight and wanted to change it, I was committed to it. I don't usually say anything like that without making sure it happens. I only once said I was going to stop drinking. I only once said I was going to stop smoking.

Oh goodness. I just said I was going to lose weight.

Well. There you have it. Time to do it.

Tenacity is something I got from my Dad. He would never admit I got any positive quality from him -- asserting in the contrary that it was my Mom that passed on all my attributes. But my tenacity is from my Dad.

He's a researcher. Of somewhat a obscure classical musician. In a land far away (okay, Germany). In a far off time. Francesco Antonio Rosetti.

And he didn't just research this man's work and life, he slowly and surely learned everything there was to know about him, his world, who he knew, what he touched, how it came to be...everything. He cataloged every single piece of work this composer wrote. Every. Single. One.

The catalog is thousands upon thousands of pages. It took him 26 years to write.

That, my friends, is tenacity.

And I have those genes. I am my father's daughter.

:: SO ::

It's go time on the weight issue. And let me assure everyone who wrote about crash diets and extreme measures. That's not what I'm about and (thankfully) this isn't fueled by emotions that would elicit those types of decisions. I'm healthy now, I'll stay healthy through this.

But what I will say is that this is going to be more than just cutting back on chocolate and drinking more water. As I was saying to a girlfriend of mine this week over email -- if it were that easy, I would have achieved my goal weight by now. For me -- because of biology or genes or history or whatever -- I will need to go beyond what works for others.

I've already tried the preliminary tactics. Seriously, I've been heavy most of my adult life...I've tried most of the daily tricks people suggest. In fact, I've incorporated many of them into my daily habits already (lots of water, avoid too many sugars, whole grains, lean proteins). And while it's frustrating (okay, enraging) to have to continually respond to suggestions that I just try _blank_, it means that I'm already in a good place. But it also means I'm in a challenging position, because even in this good place, I am overweight.

Here's where I'm starting from...

Activity: well, duh. I train typically 5 - 12 hours a week. Swim, bike, run, weights/core. I work with a fabulous coach who is not only on board with this effort, but is a source of really (really) realistic advice and a commitment to my health. And my winning. It's a good mixture.

Eating: I don't eat fried. I prefer lean meats and I adore vegetables. I bake or saute almost everything. I pack my lunch almost every day. I never touch fast food. I read and understand labels. I am comfortable (ney, excel!) in the kitchen and do the grocery shopping and cooking at home.

Alcohol: Never will you hear about me worrying over the three or thirteen glasses of wine I had over the weekend and how it was all sugar and I could never have burned that off in time. Never.

Sleep: Love it. Get it all the time. In fact, I want more of it in my life. Carry some around in my back pocket and name it George.

Water: Drink it all the time. Love it. Rarely touch softdrinks and have a bottle of water with me all the time. Yum.

That is a good place to start. I have to remember these coming months that I am starting ahead of the game.

So what are the next steps? Here's my thinking...

First, talk to my coach. And I have. And the conversation will continue.

Second, keep the good habits. Start ditching any bad ones.

Third, get some baseline information. Done. I have weight history from the last two months (informative re: what fluctuations to expect and (ahem) when), a fat composition test, and a metabolic rate test.

Pay attention. I started tracking my eating on Training Peaks, along with all the other training data I keep there. I'm hoping that patterns, habits, and weaknesses may reveal themselves there. It's also a good way of keeping aware of consumption on a daily basis. Accountability is good.

Get help. I'm ahead of the game on activity and healthy habits, but still overweight. Which, to me, says I should consult with someone who knows where to look for the answer. I'm working on finding some money (or insurance coverage) for consulting with a nutritionist -- one that the Elf recommends -- who knows endurance sports and endurance athletes. Because if one more person (ahem, my doctor!) says that I should try to work out a half an hour, three times a week...well, I may just kill them. Justifiable homicide, I believe.

Support. There are three irreplaceable people in my life, and two of them have joined me in this little quest. My sister and Mighty M. We're in it together. I suspect they will be invaluable.

So there you have it. The gauntlet. A little scary, no? But some of the most amazing changes I've ever experienced were absolutely terrifying at first. So I suspect this, too, will be transformative.

Thanks for coming along for the ride and being part of the process.

No Longer Just Fine

I battle with my weight.

I don't write about it much here, except when it comes into play with my Athena status. But I don't really write about it a lot.

But I think about it all the time.

I think about it when I dress in the morning and struggle with which pants will fit, I think about it when I do my ritual morning weigh-in at the office to keep an eye on the numbers, I think about it when I put my swim suit on, when I look at race photos, and athletic catalogs. I think about it when I put on my cycling shorts and when I look in the mirror after taking them off. When I pick what shirt to squeeze into and what tights to wear for the run. When I look in the mirror and see pictures of myself.

I think about it all the time. And it's not often positive.

I have always been a large woman. Big breasts, a double chin, and belly that belies my childless status. I have curvy hips and a round face. I always look like a chubby girl who carries and dresses it well.

And all of the social and psychological implications aside, its made racing and training harder for me. If you're a woman around 130 pounds, I want you to consider grabbing a 40 pound weight next time you go out for a run. Just pick it up, maybe put it in a backpack, and then do your long run or tackle some hills.

Being a large athlete is hard.

In the past, I've paid attention to my eating habits. I like whole foods and to cook, so I eat healthy meals. I have a strong, above-normal metabolism. I don't ever pig out on anything -- there's no binging. And yet I carry around more than I should.

And I'm tired of it.

I'm really tired of it.

This weekend, we got pictures from the family meet-up, where Mighty M's family met mine. It was a great time -- lots of laughter and easy conversation. And picture taking! Imagine two proud papas with their families in tow. Lots of photos.

And I was devastated again to hate the way I look in them. I saw the thick neck and double chins. The swollen looking visage and the layering outfit to conceal the ill fitting jeans.

I tired of these experiences. I'm so tired of worrying about fitting into my training gear, and how my weight is impacting my times. I'm sick and tired of it.

It impacts me more than I'd like to admit. Last week I turned down the possibility of sponsorship by a major brand name because it was possible that they would not have clothes that fit me. I had been sponsored by them before and the kits didn't fit. The bra was tiny, the running shorts were an impossibility, and the shimmel was a joke. The cycling top was horribly tight and, as a result, horribly scratchy. So I decided against sponsorship again this year. Because of my size.

And there are so many times when I sit on the stair landing in our living room, talking to Mighty M about it. How it feels when people at the gym assume I'm just starting to learn how to run because I'm heavy, talking down to me with condescending advice. How demoralizing it is to train hours upon hours each week for months and realize no benefit except being better able to carry the excess weight across the finish line. How I feel less attractive to him as a woman and as a future wife. How it leads me to frequently ask why he loves me or burst into tears when trying to dress for social events.

To date, I've been relatively silent about weight and training and (especially) the psychological wake of trying to accommodate one with the omnipresence of the other. I've been the well mannered Athena who makes it appear that she's perfectly happy with her status. But I'm not.

This year I've been working my ass off, more so than ever before. I'm more committed. I've dedicated many more resources towards my performance. And I really, really care.

Last night I logged onto the registrant list for a big race I'm doing later in the spring. The Athena field has started to fill up and, according to Athlinks, I have some very serious competition. I saw me not hitting my goals (of placing in the regional series) as a possibility. For the first time. And I know that there's something holding me back. My training is on track. I'm already realizing great improvements. I'm working very hard and changing things. But there's a limiter there.

My weight.

With all of this on my mind these past weeks, I started taking steps towards change. Tentative steps. I've never actually dieted before. I've always avoided that classification, label. It always seemed desperate to me, all rolled up in a ball of expectations and media and socialized image. My weight has fluctuated, but not because of started or finished "diets." I have had periods of skinny jeans, but they were fueled by a diet of vodka, depression, and couscous. I have healthy weight periods, too, that came during my 20s. And I've had long periods of inactivity and great weight gain. Throughout, I've never "dieted." And I don't plan to now.

But clearly...no matter how resentful it makes me feel...training alone will not make me a trim athlete. For many it will. Mighty M is starting a running plan this week to trim down for the wedding. He'll hit his goal in under two months and continue to eat crap along the way. It's just the cards he was dealt. Mine are not the same cards.

So, two weeks ago, I dragged myself nervously into the gym and got my metabolic rate checked and did a three-point calliper body composition test. And I talked to my coach about the process and the results. And I started to be more careful about calorie content each day and hitting the goals outlined by the results of these tests.

And I gained two pounds.

Thanks, body.

I know that I want to lose weight. I know I want that loss to be in terms of fat, not muscle. I know I want to continue to train properly and be fueled effectively. I know I want to remove weight as my limiter.

And now I'm beginning to realize that this will not come from just wishing it so. And resenting that I cannot just train and "be careful" about what I eat will not be the key. Something else needs to step in. I need to apply what I know already works for me, and retool it for this particular problem.

So. There you have it. I'm no longer just fine with being my weight, and I'm going to do something concerted about it. It simply has to happen. I refuse to relinquish hard-earned performance improvements to the fact that I am carrying around remnants of my old life. I have no room for its impact any more. I have no tolerance for it being a part of my life any more. It has to go.

Now.